I sat beside my closest friend on her spacious bed, encircled by numerous pillows, engaging in heart-to-heart conversations like only best friends can.
“Even though it hurt, the end of that friendship would’ve been insignificant if you hadn’t gained any wisdom from it,” she remarked, leaving an impact. We were going over the loss of a friendship that was very close to me. My closest male friend (we’ll call him David), whom I discovered I had feelings for after our three-year friendship. We arranged the information in a similar way to a deck of cards, discussing what went awry, the errors made by all involved, the wounds it caused, the lessons I gained, and most importantly, my strategy to release and progress.
I had accomplished the unimaginable. I had composed a heartfelt message to David to formally end our friendship, and as an extra measure, I also sent a text message expressing that I could no longer maintain the friendship. The angry, emotional message came afterward as I wanted to clarify my text. (A note, I must mention, that was written while I was a little drunk.) I strongly advise against sending intoxicated messages, whether they are notes, texts, smoke signals, or any form of communication, given my emotional state at the time.
Let’s go back to 2016 – when I discovered that I had developed romantic feelings for my closest companion. After three years of strong camaraderie—filled with lengthy conversations, teasing each other, witnessing each other’s vulnerabilities, pushing each other to improve, supporting each other, and relying on him for help—I suddenly realized I had fallen in love, and it terrified me. I was frightened by the fact that I was aware of my feelings and his significance to me, and I was certain that I would always choose him if I had to make a decision. It was a feeling that seemed reserved for older, more experienced couples: the sensation of “when you know, you know.”
Yes, it is true that it took me three years to understand that I was in love with someone, and I acknowledge that it was a lengthy period. For a month, I held onto my recent understanding of my emotions, wishing I could ignore them. I was afraid of losing my best guy friend and of being rejected, which is why I didn’t want to fall in love with him.
Being truthful about your feelings and showing vulnerability will not cause harm to you. Indeed, it will only serve to make you more resilient.
What actions did I take? I buried those feelings far, far away in a shadowy passageway to keep them hidden from view. I exercised to prevent emotions. I put in extra hours to escape from my feelings. I slept in order to escape my emotions. I went shopping to suppress my emotions. And can you believe it? The emotions remained present.
While trying to escape reality, a friend offered me some advice. She suggested that possibly the initial move was to recognize what it was. I had been running, repressing, and evading for so long that accepting my emotions felt unattainable. However, while we were sitting, conversing, and enjoying coffee, my anxiety lessened and I was able to confess that I had feelings for him.
Therefore, on a cool, clear evening in Los Angeles, holding a glass of wine, I brought my phone out to the deck of my apartment and placed the call. With unsteady hands and a shaky voice, I confessed the emotions I had been struggling to hide: I have feelings for you.
Fast forward to today: The love I shared with my closest male friend ended up not being returned. He said that although he had experienced similar feelings in the past, he didn’t believe we were compatible. My worst nightmare was happening before my eyes: I was falling for someone without them feeling the same way. I felt ashamed; I felt perplexed; I felt vulnerable; I felt foolish; I experienced pain.
We attempted to rekindle our previous close friendship, but it did not unfold as planned. The phone calls ceased, and the clever texts no longer flooded my inbox. In 2016, we encountered each other again while we were both at home, but I was not emotionally prepared. I believed I could rekindle our friendship, but I was still in pain. Therefore, upon my return from my trip, I texted him and informed him that I was unable to continue being his friend at this time. I received a thumbs-up emoji from him, and we haven’t talked since then.
Can you believe it? I have not left yet. Being truthful about my feelings and open about falling in love with my best friend didn’t harm me. Despite the discomfort, I remain present and found comfort in being honest with him. It felt as though the tension was being let out of a balloon.
I developed romantic feelings for my closest friend, but those feelings were not returned. Sure, understood. That’s the reality, but being aware of it doesn’t ruin me. The pain is definitely excruciating, but losing love always brings hurt.
Years have passed, and I definitely do not have all the answers. There are moments when I still feel the absence of David. I question why he didn’t reciprocate my feelings or opt for me, but I long for our friendship the most. Over the years, there are numerous things I want to tell him about: my job loss, my freelance work, my wild roommate adventures, my Italy journey, and my half marathon experience. However, when I notice that I am dwelling on the past for too long, I choose to grab my ticket and make my way to the exit door.
I understand now that I am sufficient, whether or not I have this person in my life. Being rejected by one man doesn't define my worthiness or value in terms of love.
I understand now that I am sufficient, regardless of whether this person is present or not. Just because one person didn’t choose me, it doesn’t mean I am undeserving of love or inadequate. I am sufficient in my current state.
I am discovering that being an adult and emotionally well-rounded entails embracing authenticity and vulnerability. Despite wishing to change many decisions made while falling in love with my best friend, I commend myself for being brave enough to show vulnerability. I feel proud of expressing my emotions. I am proud of acknowledging that I wasn’t prepared to be friends, as it was the honest truth. I realize now that it’s acceptable. I regret not discussing it face to face instead of texting as it required more consideration, just like he did.
However, I am able to be kind to myself because I needed to develop, just like everyone else, as imperfect individuals. During that year, I was a complete disaster in multiple aspects – I didn’t appreciate myself or my own opinion. The year that followed experienced significant expansion, and my oh my, it was excruciating. I gained more self-assurance in my abilities and strengths, I became familiar with and grew fond of the person I saw reflected in the mirror, and I understood the importance of saying no, establishing boundaries with others, and prioritizing self-care. The next year gave me the chance to apply those teachings and I developed a stronger resilience. Excited about what lies ahead, I believe that my only direction is upward. Avoiding dwelling on the past, I grab my ticket and make my way to the exit.
